if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
