I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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