If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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