life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
