i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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