its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
