i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
