Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
