Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My hand turned me down
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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