Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
