Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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