I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
