I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
