she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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