I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
