I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize