I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
