Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
