I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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