So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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