You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
