It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
