Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
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