oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
