took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
