Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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