Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
