He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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