so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
