My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
