I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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