i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
