Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
