i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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