I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
