life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
