I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
