I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
