I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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