Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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