I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
