wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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