I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
