My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
