I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
