Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
