this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
