I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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