Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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