I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
