this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
