i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
