I need to stop coming to work sober
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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