i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
