I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I am full of burrito and curiosity
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
