my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
