Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
