tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
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I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
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The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way