Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
