Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i think i just lost a toe
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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