I hope my margaritas pass through security.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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